Reflection: Leaving the church?

June 1, 2012

The Rev. Marguerite Alley

In reading blogs and web postings by clergy across the country, I have noticed that many folks spend a lot of time dealing with members of their congregations who are threatening to leave their church for one reason or another.  I think we waste a lot of time and energy worrying about what we can do to make someone stay. In some ways I understand the heartburn over losing even one parishioner. Our numbers are already declining and churches are closing their doors daily. It is pretty scarey to think what  life would be like without Emmanuel!

When we have been together as a church for a while, we become family. We care about each other. Our kids were in in Sunday school and youth group together. We went through break-ups or divorces together. We married and buried (hopefully not in the same week ) our friends together. Not seeing each other in our usual seats on Sunday is like an open sore. It is only natural that we feel this grief and loss when we have shared life together for any period of time.  At the same time, this is a bit bothersome because the church is made up of human beings, and human beings change; both physically, emotionally and spiritually. No one would expect you wear the same clothes you wore as a teen or young adult, because you have outgrown them physically and mentally. But for some reason, we expect the church to either stay exactly the same as it was when we joined 40 years ago, despite the fact the 40% of the congregation has changed, or we expect it to change with us…as in with me personally.  

When a parish is as theologically and/or politically diverse as Emmanuel, sometimes someone decides that they can't handle the gray areas that come with diversity - so they leave for a church that they feel better reflects their ideas.  This type of exit can be a good thing, when handled as growth or change. But pleading with someone to stay, or trying to blame someone is counterproductive and destructive. 


Now, there are some people who reach a truly toxic level.  Nearly every church has at least one person who, for whatever reason, cannot seem to function as part of a family. They seem to have to stir things up, they try to triangulate everywhere they can and they take and make every opportunity to cause dissention. 

The problems can go beyond personal relationships. Many folks like this threaten to stop their pledge. Every event they come to becomes a moment for them to “spew” to others, whatever their issue might be and try to draw others to them. Even with all this negative energy, when they say we are going to leave, churches go into panic mode. Giving irrational and dangerous people power over our community is even more irrational and dangerous!  When there is a misunderstanding, then of course it is important to learn the cause and try to get it sorted out in hopes of preserving the relationship. Even if a person or family still chooses to move on, then we have done our best to hear them, to rectify if necessary and to insure that we taking the necessary steps to avoid repeating the situation. In the case of
toxic people though, there is probably little we can do to pacify them because they aren’t really looking for resolution. They are looking for power.

There is a part of me, though, that worries that in letting them go, I have failed to “love them” adequately. We are called to be compassionate and loving to each other and I worry about that when I find I cannot. But, when Jesus tells the rich young man that he must sell all he owns and give the money to the poor, and the young man says he can’t and walks away, Jesus doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t run and after him and say “wait, wait, we can work something out!” He lets him walk away and goes on with his teaching. Letting him walk away was not lacking in compassion or un-loving. He gave the young man a choice and the young man chose what his response would be. Letting someone leave the church when they are unhappy doesn’t mean that we don’t care, that we don’t love them or that we won’t grieve their loss. It actually means we are treating them with dignity and respect, allowing them to make the choice of belonging to our community or not.
~~~~~~~

We want to hear your reflections on this piece. What are your thoughts? Please post below!