The Rev. Julia W. Messer
September 4, 2011
Proper 18, Year A, RCL
Proper 18 Exodus 12:1-14, Psalm 149, Romans 13:8-14
Matthew 18:15-20
Addressing Interpersonal Conflict
I have to confess….I am not really a fan of reality TV shows. And I particularly dislike those where the shows which seem to be based on who has been the most “wronged” by seeing who can scream the loudest, or swear the loudest, or throw the most things at each other. And yet when I read today’s Gospel, it was not hard to have images of these shows come to mind. It seems these shows and our society has forgotten the beginning part of this Gospel reading; how to handle conflict as Christians.
Most people do not like nor do they seek out conflict, except perhaps TV show producers looking for higher ratings. Yet we all have and will face conflict in our lives. I am not talking about life threatening or dire conflicts; I am talking about the every day ordinary conflict we face in our every day ordinary lives, I’m referring to the conflict of interpersonal relationships--The kind, which if left unaddressed, will eat at us. Like the rude neighbor, the co-worker who takes credit for what you have done, or even the friend or loved one who has hurt you. We’ve all been there and will all be there again.
If there is one thing we could learn from those annoying reality scream shows is that most interpersonal conflicts that we face with a regular occurrence usually boils down to a few major reasons. Someone got their feelings hurt by being snubbed, insulted, put down, or lied to. And the way most people deal with conflict is to talk behind the other person’s back, yell at or attack them which of course makes the person being yelled at shut down and not listen, or the pain builds and builds until one day anger erupts and the pain is too long standing to be easily repaired.
So what are we to do when we find ourselves in inevitable conflict? This Gospel passage tells us in very clear steps how to approach that conflict when it arises. We are not to be passive, or run away, nor are we to ignore it and hope it goes away: we are to face it and the person who caused it. In the Gospel, Jesus sets out very specific progressive/proactive steps on how to address the conflict and once they are addressed, the next step that is implied but not stated, is the most transformative of them all. It is forgiveness.
Forgiveness is one of the most difficult disciplines of faith, not only when we are in the wrong seeking forgiveness, but when we have been wronged and are called to forgive the person so that the relationship can be restored. One main reason a person cannot forgive usually boils down to, is the fact that their pride has been hurt and their pride is stronger than their ability to forgive and show mercy.
This is why this passage is so important because it addresses the Christian understanding of forgiveness and deals with conflict.
That is why I would like to examine more closely today’s Gospel message.
1. So what to do, when we are faced with interpersonal conflict? We are told to be proactive, to GO and point it out. Not as young children like to point out, “Look at all you did wrong” but it is meant more as, that if it hurt you bad enough that you are still hurt by it, then don’t let it sit on your heart, and let it fester, as it turns your heart against the person, but go and tell them about it.
And when you go speak with the person, speak to them in private. This does not mean on national television, nor does it mean you have to tell all your friends or loved ones about it before you approach the other party. The important thing is not to let your heart be consumed by hate for the other person and what they have done. Respect where they are coming from and what they have to say, which can be said easier in private. And if this does not work the first time, keep trying!
2. But if talking with them after a while still gets you nowhere, and the offence is still there, then go to the next step, which is when Jesus talks about bringing in evidence--not random accusations from years ago--but those with solid ground, which might be a person who witnessed the action. This also applies to us -- when we have wronged someone it may be hard to hear it the first time they tell us, but if we hear it again, or from another party, it may still be hard to hear, but we may be more likely now to admit where we were wrong and to seek also to restore the relationship as well as learn to forgive ourselves.
And if that still does not work, then don’t give up just yet, keep trying. The goal of all these steps is to try to restore the relationship, not to seek revenge
3. But sometimes, you cannot reach the person and they are not in a place to listen. That is why Jesus continued to say that if the offended party still felt the offence, then take it to the church and if that still does not work and it gets to be too much, the offended party is called to treat them as if they were a Gentile or tax collector, which means to put them aside. This could mean that the offended party may have to treat the other person with as much civil indifference as they can muster.
But what I think Jesus was also trying to say is that we may have to put aside the person and our anger, because if we continue to focus on this wrong, then we can not move on. If we hold onto our pain and hatred, it has a way of transforming our hearts and how we see the world. Yet if we forgive and let go of it, this forgiveness can also transform our hearts and how we see the world.
But what I think Jesus was also trying to say is that we may have to put aside the person and our anger, because if we continue to focus on this wrong, then we can not move on. If we hold onto our pain and hatred, it has a way of transforming our hearts and how we see the world. Yet if we forgive and let go of it, this forgiveness can also transform our hearts and how we see the world.
The goal of this interaction is to try to get some justice, peace, and restore the relationship. Jesus knew that sometimes in life it is not possible for us to restore the relationship. This is where we have to give it up to God and know that what is happening is between God and them and remove ourselves from this anger or pain.
While this is important, because the Gospel speaks of how to handle conflict, it is also important to understand the rest of passage, when Jesus says, that whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosened in heaven. What I believe Jesus is pointing out is an important:
If we bind our hatred to the other person, then it will be bound in heaven. Is that something we really want to carry with us?
Today’s Gospel reminds us that conflict resolution and forgiveness can come in stages. Sometimes before we can even take the first step to acknowledge or address the wrong to the other person or ourselves, we should at least try to acknowledge it in our minds to God. So today, when we say the General Confession and the Lord’s Prayer, I invite you to think of someone in your past whom you have hurt, and someone who has hurt you. Even if you cannot forgive them just yet, offer their name or image up to God in your minds.
Catherine Ponder, an author powerfully once wrote: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
The name of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
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